Character Flaws covered by Grace

Each person who exists today is flawed or one day will be. Unfortunately, our list becomes longer over the years.  This weekend I was reminded of some of  my flaws.  I will be honest, initially hearing someone point out those flaws can be very painful, especially when it's done in an attacking manner, without love. BUT - for the first time ever, I was okay with knowing that I am flawed and own those flaws. Why? How?
Because my flaws do not define who I am.  They are not who I am! 

 
My character flaws certainly do surface now and then and when they do I do a much better job today at recognizing and dealing with them.  Those flaws are covered by the grace of Jesus Christ.  He doesn't judge me as others may when I have feelings of insecurity, jealousy, anger, fear or whatever lenghty flaws that are on my list.  He knew that one day I would struggle with these flaws far before I knew they would even be a part of my life. He knew those flaws would cause me to sin.  And because he died on the cross for me, I am blessed to be given the opportunity to receive his grace, love and forgiveness.

With God, there are no coincidences.  I know he allows events in our life that we can handle and events that are timed in his perfect plan for our lives. About a week and a half prior to this weekend, I had just finished Step 6 of my Life Recovery Program which is, "We became entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character."  One of the exercises we had to do in this step was to list the defects we had previously came up with in steps 4 and 5.  Next, I had to look at those defects to see what they have done for me, and against me, reflect on my list, take time to grieve, feeling the loss of both the positive and negatives of each effect. After I was done, I ripped up the list and began a new transformation with giving them to God.  I've begun this transformation by sharing with others when I felt insecure, jealous, angry or fearful.  In that, I began living a life filled with truth leaving less room for falsity to reside.

I am far from perfect and I will never achieve perfection in this lifetime.  But I can do my best to speak the truth in love; be accountable when I fall short; make a genuine effort to transform my life so that I do not repeat poor habits and behaviors which lead to sin; and make a sincere and honest apology to the people I've wronged.  If they are people who are continuously a part of my life, changes in my behavior and actions will display the sincerity and honesty in that apology.

I am flawed.  I always will be. I accept it. It does not define who I am. And I find peace in knowing that my character flaws are covered by the grace of God♥

It was a Humbling Experience ~

“Devilish pride creeps in almost everywhere....Think about how all the lack of love, indifference to the needs, feelings and weaknesses of others, the sharp and hasty judgments and utterances so often excused by our cries of being upright, and honest, the manifestations of temper and irritation, the bitterness and estrangement, have their root in pride.  Pride only seeks itself.”  Andrew Murray

A few weeks ago, I completed the book, "Humility" by C.Peter Wagner and I would have to say it has been one of the most enlightening books I've ever encountered.  It’s taught me a lot of truth about myself, such as how prideful, selfish and superior I have been toward others.  My greatest downfall has been what the books describes as the “Cultivating a Creator Complex.” 

It goes on to describe that "creator complex" happens when we begin to evaluate the lives and ministries of other people and compare them to who we are and what we do.  To the degree that they do things differently, we tend to regard them as inferior.  Then we try to change them, and make them over in our own image. When we begin to do that, we are playing God!

Creator complex kicks in when we go from being a personal example, or role model for others to follow if they choose, to when we being to evaluate the worth and dignity of an individual by how closely they match our own examples.  When this happens it turns a suggestion or an admonition into coercion and manipulation.

 As I continued reading the book and had a great desire to attain humility, I found it frustrating that during most of my reading I found myself comparing the different signposts toward others, rather than using it as a personal reflection upon myself.  When I did catch myself doing this, I repented (which was quite a bit) and asked God to humble me during this experience. Well, He did! 

I was faced in a very humbling experience with someone I deeply cared about. I was tested to use the several tools to attain humility as well as to trust solely on God through the adversity I created.  I also believe God was trying to get me to take a look at my shortcomings, focus on myself and leave others to Him and stop playing God!  There is so much work to do, in attaining humility but do believe it’s possible.

We must CHOOSE to be humble.  In my own choice to become humble I will grow closer to God and it will directly impact my relationships with others. I have fallen short of being humble and often displayed counterfeit humility in my life, which is best described by John Bevere as "knowing how to use politically correct words in order to “appear” humble, yet there is no lowliness in heart or mind.” For me, it was not until after the fact that I realized my intention to be humble truly was not with the correct mind or heart. Sometimes I would downplay my situations to appear humble by talking less of myself.

The biggest obstacle I encounter in my walk with humility is comparison.  I need to learn to think soberly of myself. Going forward, I intend to approach this similar to my prayer habits. I had to practice to pray, all day to Christ.  I set an alarm every hour to pray.  Equally, I have to practice humility all day, in everything I do, just as I did with prayer.  Because I’ve practiced prayer, I find myself speaking to God all day long.  
 
A few weeks ago, I was faced with a situation which my pride took precedence over humility.  I chose my needs over the needs of someone who desperately needed comfort during a time of loss. Because I allowed anger, fear, insecurity and pride to consume me it resulted in that person saying some very hurtful things to me.  If I had chosen the path of love, kindness, and compassion and humility during their time of need, rather than worry about what I was feeling, the few days I went without speaking to them, thinking our relationship wasn't salvageable and feeling heartbroken, could have possibly gone in a different direction.

Although, I do believe this was a test from God. A test of trust and a test of humility. That night, I prayed, sought God’s forgiveness, and the forgiveness from other person involved.  I forgave the hurtful things that were said because after what had transpired, I was able to understand what they were possibly going through.  During those few days, I continued to pray for humility, remove any hindering hurt feelings, have compassion, and understand the person's choice to remain distant.  A few nights later, we met and we were both able to make amends to one another, in person.  We were able to share our hurts and share how we both trusted God to direct us during this time.  Our relationship seems to be stronger as we keep God as our focus and move toward God's plan for us, not what we think is good for us.

I guess the statement, “Be careful what you ask for,” is said for a reason.  I did ask God to renew my mind and provide me humility each time I read this book because of how I continuously compared the book toward others. God answered; perhaps not in the manner I would've chosen, but I am thankful for how He placed me in a situation to where I was able to see how prideful I've been and was able to appreciate and be glad for what happened.  Today I feel closer to God, because during the days of adversity I depended and trusted solely on him, but also because I was able to use the tools in this book.  Because of Him, He was able to walk me through the reconciliation process with myself and the other person involved.  I am blessed and thankful that Jesus is full of love, forgiveness and grace. ♥