Let go and Let in Life ♥

Life stinks sometimes, right?

Our natural being desires to belong, fit in, to be loved, accepted and wanting to be number one in someone's life.  And to make things comfortable in our environment according to how we think they should be, we try to control.

Haven't we once in our lifetime wanted to be enough to make a person change their habits or addictions? Haven't we wanted to be liked because of what we've accomplished, what we possessed or what we look like? I have.  When we try to manipulate life or people, we try to take control of it and them. 





When I reflect on my addiction of co-dependency, I sometimes still cry inside about it.  Looking at how deep my addiction was I see the self deception I created in my life. Self deception is a lonely and dark place.  I am saddened to think that I had to force people to like me, allow myself to be victimized to get attention and manipulate my circumstances to fit into my world view of what life should be like for me.  It was selfish way to do life.

When I finally realized how out of control my life was and my illusion of control was just that, "an illusion", was when I finally succumbed to my circumstances and the paralyzed state of denial slowly began to break down.   

When we let go of trying to force things, and just become who we we are meant to be and fulfill our purpose in why were put on this earth, only then will we stop wasting precious time, our happiness, and a life that is full of amazing people and experiences.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that we will face hardships and difficulties, but if we choose to just let it be, stop struggling and trying to control what is not in our control to begin with, only then will we have victory.  Awful stuff will happen and the only thing we have control of in those times, is our attitude about it.  Acceptance to circumstances does not mean you are giving up, condoning it or even agreeing, but in acceptance, it gives us the ability to make the most of what you have at that present moment.

Choose to change the way you think.  Choose to have an attitude that expresses thankfulness and gratitude in life. Stop robbing yourself of joy and happiness.  There will always be someone out there, who's circumstances are far worse than our own and yet I bet in we could find smiles upon those people's faces.

Yesterday, I attended a funeral of a friend's brother and although her and her family were deeply saddened by their loss of this amazing young man, I think of what each person said when they shared their thoughts about him. Time after time I heard how he was always "Happy" and always had a smile on his face. We could learn a lot from this young man.  He had the right idea about life, especially in his circumstances which confined him to a wheelchair.  When I think of him there are three words that come to mind ~ Smile - Happy - Happy ~

Try it ...... just for today ~

Let go of control.  Let go of anger.  Let go of resentments.  Let in Forgiveness. Let in Love. Let in Joy.  Let in Life!

Love is......♥

As part of a class assignment I was asked to write a paper on "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado and how it's impacted me personally. Below is the paper I will turn in. I plan on writing another Blog that will go into deeper detail as to how it has changed my view on what love really looks like to me, but for class I was supposed to limit the paper to 300 words ~ That was impossible to do and I have so much more to share. 

When I began reading this book I had no idea what to expect. Even reading the first few pages of chapter one I didn’t know how it would or how I could apply it to my life. I thought I knew what “love” was and I guess to a certain degree I did, at least from the viewpoint of society, from what I was taught from my parents and all my other relationships. I could even possibly make excuses when we I was ridiculed, degraded, made feel less than by saying, “Well, that is the way they show they care for me. That is how they show their love.”

After reading this book, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only excuse we can offer is that, they themselves can’t give what they have never received. In order to love, we have to first have love deposited into our lives. Receive first, love second. As I went through each chapter and read what each part of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 truly means, I reflected on my life, and how each act of love was missing from my life, and what I could do to correct it going forward.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

This book has given me the tools of what it means to love, how to love and examples of what it looks like. I’ve learned I need patience with others by not making a judgments on a behavior or circumstance until I’ve taken it all in and listened and have a heart of understanding. In patience, I become kind. Giving allowances for my and others shortfalls I show kindness. It’s taught me how to let go of envy and comparison. I must allow God to fill me with his love and remove my desire to rely on fulfillment by others. Filled with Gods love, I’m reminded what God has given me, and it’s only because of His will, not mine. As I accept this in total humility, I see past myself and see others for the beauty they possess. I learn how to respect who they are and treat them in a respectful manner, without rudeness. As I remove envy and rudeness I learn to love in a non self-seeking manner. I look toward them and keep eyes off me and my desire turns to do what benefits others.

Jesus who was perfect in loving others was repeatedly rejected and ridiculed but we didn’t often see him angered. And when he was angered, he did not sin. I will seek Christ in my times of rejection. I will seek his acceptance to diffuse my flame of anger. His love, grace and forgiveness teaches me to keep no records of wrong. He does not track my shortcomings, instead covers them with His grace. I choose to do the same toward those who have hurt me in my past and who will in my future.

More than anything I want to point people to Christ because of what I have experienced in his presence. In my past I’ve done things to drag others down. If I’m not uplifting, encouraging with truth and love, I’m not loving others. I think at times when I brought others down I was trying to play God and conform them because I didn’t like certain parts of them, a habit, personality trait, the way they dressed or spoke. Love accepts the whole package - flaws included, just as God accepts me wholly. When we have difficulties accepting the whole package, it’s easy to point it out to others by gossiping or in other harmful ways. Today I try to protect others from being torn down, and often find that the best way to do this is through silence and not engaging in the gossip. If I don’t have anything encouraging or uplifting to say I keep my mouth shut. God uplifts us when we need it, he gives hope and encouragement and I choose that path.

In protecting others, we say we believe in them. We may not like their habits, they may not be the most moral person, but believing in change within them can be powerful. Giving hope to others can break down walls that once seemed unbreakable. Our endurance to love others, not giving up on them, even when we are exhausted or in our own hopelessness can be encouraging and affirms we loved them enough to never give up on them.

Those we love will fall short but, one thing we can can have certainty in is that - Love Will Never Fail in Christ. If we cling to his love, fill ourselves with Jesus, when those moments of hurt, disappointment and pain enter our lives, in Christ we will rise because LOVE NEVER FAILS.

 

God can restore what we destroy ~

As we try to control our environment, circumstances, relationships, and ourselves we interfere with the God's will for us.  God's sets our path.  It's our job to listen to what he has to say, and display obedience through following what he lays out for us regardless of how it makes us feel, which at times can be discomfort. When we choose to do things according to our will and become our own God, the results can be unpleasant. God can restore what we destroy.

How often do we think we have control over our lives? How many times have you said, "But if I do this, maybe it will result in that?"  "If I just hold onto my will a little longer, if it doesn't work, then I will listen to God?"  I hate to tell you, it doesn't work that way.  You can't bargain with God.  We can't pick and choose when and what parts we want to obey. As a good friend wrote in a school paper recently, we can't use him like a vending machine. 

Being obedient has been a long hard lesson to learn, and today I still struggle with it, honestly, I always will. Trying to control my own life has resulted in heartache and loss. First of all, I can't control anything or anyone. I can't change anyone and to think I have the power to do so, results in prideful thinking and behavior. I can only control my choices to do or not to do, I control my will.  

Often God calls, speaks, opens and closes doors and it's by my choice, my free will that I either submit to him or choose my way.  When I choose God,  I find peace and contentment in my circumstances, good or bad.  When I choose mine, I may receive temporary gratification, but typically it doesn't last for long. 

Are there times I choose God's will kicking and screaming?  Absolutely.

In the last two months, I endured heartache of a loss of a loved one.  My loss was not a physical loss, meaning a death, but the loss of an old nature and as well as the loss of giving up control of my circumstances.  As the old ways died (thoughts and behaviors) I grieved. Once we accept the illusion that we never had control in the first place, it becomes more bearable to accept. Once I gave up and surrendered to God again, I found peace.  And even though this person and I grew apart we actually were being drawn together without even knowing it.   

For about a month, there wasn't any face to face contact, but only a couple short e-mail exchanges.  During this time of healing, I was able to release the past hurts, and forgive myself and them. I was able to give it all over to God and as difficult the time apart was, God filled me up with His love which is the only love that will truly sustain me.  Being filled with God's love is the only real way I can offer myself to others, and give them what God has freely given me.

I thank God for loving me, healing me, offering me grace and mercy each day of my life.  Obedience to Him is what has gotten me to where I am today.  I choose to worship Him with my whole heart. My purpose is to live for God and bring him glory.  Sharing my experiences I feel I can share God's awesome love and power. A life without God is no life at all.

Today is Matthew's and my three year anniversary.  Below is what I wrote to him this morning. Our relationship has flourished.  In our obedience, patience, trust, faith and hope in God's will for our lives, we are joined together, ready to commit to Him and serve His purpose for His glory.

May 23, 2013 - Happy Anniversary Matthew ♥

 

Trials force us to put our faith in something bigger than ourselves or another person. 
Our FAITH is in God.

Obstacles motivate us to dig deep for strength in something stronger than ourselves or another person.
Our STRENGTH is in God.

Losses invoke us to reach and cry out toward something more comforting than ourselves or another person.
We REACH AND CRY OUT to God.

Storms inspire hope as we clutch onto something greater than ourselves or another person.
Our HOPE is in God.

The only way to do life together is with God as our Rock; God first and above all else.

As we build a relationship on a foundation made of rock (God), it will withstand the trials, obstacles, losses and storms of life. We will find peace in His presence.

As we get knocked around, beat up, tossed about and flooded with adversities, although we feel depleted and exhausted, we remain standing, clinging to the one who will deliver us with his faithful promise to never abandon us but pull us into his loving arms - Our RESCUER is God. 

Our walk together is only possible through God’s will.  As we surrender to His will and build our relationship upon Him we frame a foundation that's strong and stable in Him.  Our faith, hope and love remains in Christ's promises and presence. Through our obedience we will be abundantly supplied with endurance to face what is placed before us. A life and relationship built on the Word of God withstands the storms and challenges of life. 

For Jesus teaches that we must be wise and build our lives on a solid foundation.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27

 

Our life together began three years ago……

We've had amazing times filled with laughter and new experiences. But far too often, we turned a blind eye to the trials and storms we encountered, masking them with empty promises and an illusion of happiness. We deceived ourselves thinking we were growing closer to one other but in reality we were growing further apart, resulting in a painful separation from each another. We tried to control what was out of our control but once we handed ourselves over to Him; His will and His way, we were able to see things with a new set of eyes; with clarity. 

It’s only by the Hand of God, that He has reconciled us, and today we point each other upwardly toward Christ; handing one another over into His care and trusting Him to do His will in our lives. 

Hand in hand, side by side, we walk the same path; God leading, you and me following.

Today we celebrate three years together.  Three years of change. The most rewarding part of these years is that it lead us back to Christ. I find peace and joy in my heart, anticipating the blessings that lie before us; the adversity that will strengthen us; and the grace, love and mercy we will receive through Jesus Christ.  I am overjoyed for this new beginning as we continue to seek God's truth, point each other toward Christ and build a relationship with Him as the foundation in our lives – OUR ROCK♥ 

Little People have Loud Voices!

Who would ever want to admit that they lacked character, integrity, morals or values.

As a parent, would you ever want to admit this? And what if the person  who revealed this to you were your children?

I know I didn't want to admit my lack of parenting skills.  Yet for so many years, this was me and in the end my greatest teachers were little people in my life.

They taught me how damaging taking that extra drink of alcohol was as one of them would pick up the bottle at an early age.  They showed me how my  unhealthy relationships effected their relationships with others.  They opened my eyes to how lacking respect and love for myself, resulted in a lack of respect and love for themselves. They showed me how I spoke and responded toward them, when I saw how they responded and spoke to me or others.  They pleaded for me to love them and when I didn't they learned how to isolate. All along, I thought was loving them, but in reality I had hurt them.  

Sometimes the greatest teachers in our lives can be "our children."

As I began my journey and turning away from a life of unhealthiness, the results of my choices from my past came with some very big price tags.  My selfish ways of life, living for me and what benefited me, left long-term damaging issues that may never be resolved or may take a lifetime to repair.  My children endured unnecessary suffering at that time, but today I do have hope that it will be used for good.  It hurts my heart, I feel a lump in my throat and my eyes well with tears as I write this because I can feel the pain they must have gone through.

This morning I read something from Rick Warren: 

~ Hope isn’t the same as optimism. It isn’t the belief that something bad will turn out well. It’s the absolute confidence that every part of your life ultimately makes sense regardless of how it turns out this side of eternity ~

I have hope that through my selfishness, through the hurt and pain I've created toward others, that God had a miraculous plan for it. I have faith and hope that He has a plan for restoration not only in my life, but my children; and now is my time to work to restore those relationships.

What we do as parents impacts our children's lives do deeply.  Love them. Speak to them gently. Hug them. Praise them. Pick them up when they fall short. Do not condemn them. Teach them Integrity, Love, Values, Morals and Honesty.  

Of my three children, God has blessed me with a mini me. A miniature Tyza who has been unfortunate to experience a lot of my personal life hardships in her short 15 years.  She by far has been the most visually and vocally of the three to open my eyes to the pain I created because of my choices; and that is a sobering feeling.  Today I'm amending my past by the choices I make today.  I can't change what has transpired in the past, but I can be a woman of integrity today and for the rest of my life by choosing to live my life differently.  Thank you Boo Boo for the Love you give me each day, even during a time when I was difficult to love.  God blessed me with you on PURPOSE!

“We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” ~ Romans 8:28

I am the D-A-S-H

Growth is painful.  Letting go of the familiar is uncomfortable.  Being vulnerable is risky.  Love Sustains.  Forgiveness Heals. Faith Creates Hope.

And all of these are what creates the "D-A-S-H" in my life. 

My birth was not determined by my parents.  I was not an accident.  Have you ever wondered why we were born on the day we were?  Why weren't we a day earlier, a week later?  And what is more amazing is that regardless of my choices (my dash), I have no control over the date of my death. I sometimes may think I am this all mighty powerful being that controls my environment, circumstances, and future but realistically, it's not up to me. Even the time I chose to make an attempt on my life, God intervened and said, "Not Yet, I'm not finished with you."

If I think I have control, I am fooling myself.  Sure, my choices may result in the way some things turn out, but they don't turn out that way because of me. They are purposed in my life to create character.  When I think of that, sometimes I get angry and frustrated telling myself, "Then what's the point?  Why even try to be a good, kind, and loving person if regardless of what I do, I still may end up miserable? What's the point of being a person full of integrity if it makes no difference to others? What is the point of moving out of my comfort zone? Why allow myself to open up to others? Why have faith or hope in anything if I'm only going to be disappointed?"

WOW - As I just typed all that down, I could hear one thing.  Can you?  It screamed -  ME! ME! ME!

So, WHY? Because all those things do matter.  They matter to the only one whose opinion really counts. Not mine. Not those who we love most. Not those who we want to impress. No!

They matter to the one who was so loving, so selfless, so humble, so patient, so faithful, so gentle, so kind that he gave up His life, so that we could live.  Do you know anyone who would do that?  I'm sure there are people who have said, "I would do anything for you," but if that were the case wouldn't we be living in a perfect world without deceit, lies, anger, jealousy, insecurities, pride, and self destructive behavior? News Flash - We clearly do not.

So then what's the point?  The point is I want to be that person. I want my "D-A-S-H" in this life to be full of love, full of selflessness, full of humility, patience and kindness, and so full of joy that when I look in the mirror the reflection I see is Jesus. I will never do it perfect, but because of His grace He is the only one who will ever accept me unconditionally.  He will never condemn me, He will never belittle me, He will never tell me I'm worthless, He will never leave me.  He will only love me ♥.  Today until the day I die is my dash, and I'm responsible for that.

I'll leave you with this, something I heard in a sermon from Greg Laurie and the inspiration for this blog, "God is responsible for the beginning and end of my life. I'm responsible for the dash."

Let God's Standards be Your Standards

Seeking God is to seek his presence in our life.

It's engaging in Christlike relationships, and modeling his behavior.  It's a life filled with integrity. Lives in which the standards we live by are equal to the standards God commands us to live by.  Our ultimate display of love to him is to be obedient and follow his commands.  As we may not do it perfectly,through his grace and forgiveness we will be restored through repentance,asking for forgiveness and transforming; do not keep the old behaviors.

Learning to accept his love we tell ourselves we are worthy of authentic love.  The type of love that is written in 1 Corinthians 13 verse 4-7:
 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts,always hopes, always perseveres."

This last week has been a challenge for me personally as I had to choose the standard of life I wanted to follow. I also had to open my eyes to the clear signs that I've been seeking from God.  As difficult as it is to sometimes to follow His plan, in my obedience, He has given me peace.  I also know that He can now do his GREAT work in and through me.  He will use this experience  to bring my heart closer to His and to show me what He desires me to set my eyes upon.

The other night I was sitting at dinner with friends, and I made the following comment, "I just want a husband whose heart is as passionate for Christ as mine. They don't have to want to be as involved as me or anything. I'd be okay with that."  My friends mother's response was, "Well, why shouldn't he be?"

Later, leaving that conversation it became clear that I should not settle for less than what is commanded of me?  God should be first. Above anyone or anything that brings us pleasure, our eyes should be fixed on his master plan for us. He should be the purpose of our entire life.  Her comment made me realize that when I begin to lower my standards for myself, I also begin to lower my standards for what God wants for me.  What happens is we begin to seek our own desires.  We want things to happen on our time, in our comfort zone, and in our control.  

The other day I came across the following article.  It truly describes what a man of God looks like. It is a standard that I will not deter from.  God wants the best for me, and in return so should I.  Our hearts desire should be the same as His. I am worthy of this type of man because this type of man is created by God. ♥

Seven marks of a godly man - Chris Reynolds 
Men, it is never too late to stand up and be counted as one of the faithful in the Kingdom of God.

It should always be our goal to be a loving father and a faithful husband. In the Old Testament book of Job, Job, the author and the subject of the book,gives us seven characteristics of a godly man in chapter 31.

James Dobson said, "The western world stands at a crossroads in its history. It is my opinion that our very survival as a people will depend upon the presence, or absence, of masculine leadership in millions of homes. I believe, with everything within me, that fathers/husbands hold the keys to the preservation of the family."

Job is a man, who blessed the name of God in the mountains and the valleys of his life. He blessed God when he had plenty and he blessed God when he had nothing. Job did not waiver in his commitment to God.

From the life of Job, we learn that a godly man guards his morality(vs.1-4/9-12). A godly man keeps his behavior in check. He allows himself to be accountable for his actions. He reserves his sexuality for his marriage relationship. He does not give himself over to a lustful mind or visual satisfaction. A godly man models for his children the pattern of a man who is strong but pure.

From the life of Job, we learn a godly man protects his integrity (vs. 6-8). A godly man knows the value of his integrity before God, his wife, his family and his church. A man of integrity can be trusted in his words and actions.

From the life of Job, we learn that a godly man is involved in his community(vs.13-23/31-32). A godly man models the tender heart of Christ. A godly man understands that he has a responsibility to model Christ to his neighbors. One man said, "He hears the cries of the sick and visits them, feels the hunger of the starving and feeds them, sees the nakedness of the poor and clothes them. A godly man sees those who are imprisoned by addiction and seeks to free them."

From the life of Job, we learn that a godly man concerns himself with spiritual things (vs. 24 -28). I love the phrase, "A godly man never forgets who he is, whose he is, or where the meaning and power for life come from."

In the life of a godly man, his foundation is God.

Dr. Stew Webber, in his book, "Tender Warriors," writes:"Fathers and husbands need to learn faithfulness. Stand by your promises.Never, never let go no matter what. When marriage isn't fun, stay with it. When parenting is over your head, stay with it. When work is crushing your spirit,don't let it beat you. When the local church is overcome with pettiness, stay faithful, stay by it. When your children let you down, pick them up. When your wife goes through a six-month mood swing, live with it and be faithful to her... Be a man. Be faithful."

From the life of Job, we learn that a godly man controls his emotions (vs.29-30). A short emotional tirade can do a lifetime of damage. A godly man learns his triggers and learns to discipline his responses to situations.Emotions left unchecked will destroy a man's life and home.

From the life of Job, we learn that a godly man is not afraid of accountability(vs. 33-34). My friend, Eric Thomas, recently wrote, "Cracks in our character unattended create catastrophe in our conduct. So, I'm headed to my men's small group!" A godly man never denies that he is a sinner and in need of a Savior. He owns up to his brokenness. Proverbs 28:13 says: "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

From the life of Job, we learn that a godly man is a faithful steward (vs.38-40). A godly man sees that everything in his life belongs to God, and he is only the manager. He realizes that the day will come when he will give an account of his management.

Job faced adversity and remained faithful to God. God blessed his faithfulness and He will bless yours. Take your family to church this Sunday!


My path to healing is keeping my eyes fixed upon God's love. It's knowing he will never fail me.  It's believing that God will reward me for my faithfulness and obedience. It's the hope that in His perfect timing and if it's His will for me, He will bring me my Godly man, one with the character of "Job". 

I will continue this race with my eyes fixed on the ultimate reward, not the rewards of this world but that of eternity.  I will continue running regardless of how smooth or bumpy the path may get.  Each experience is growth, and in my growth I get closer and closer to Christ ♥

Dear God,

No matter what happens,

Give me the heart that is willing to obey You

 whatever  the cost may be.

Love, Me ♥

It was a Humbling Experience ~

“Devilish pride creeps in almost everywhere....Think about how all the lack of love, indifference to the needs, feelings and weaknesses of others, the sharp and hasty judgments and utterances so often excused by our cries of being upright, and honest, the manifestations of temper and irritation, the bitterness and estrangement, have their root in pride.  Pride only seeks itself.”  Andrew Murray

A few weeks ago, I completed the book, "Humility" by C.Peter Wagner and I would have to say it has been one of the most enlightening books I've ever encountered.  It’s taught me a lot of truth about myself, such as how prideful, selfish and superior I have been toward others.  My greatest downfall has been what the books describes as the “Cultivating a Creator Complex.” 

It goes on to describe that "creator complex" happens when we begin to evaluate the lives and ministries of other people and compare them to who we are and what we do.  To the degree that they do things differently, we tend to regard them as inferior.  Then we try to change them, and make them over in our own image. When we begin to do that, we are playing God!

Creator complex kicks in when we go from being a personal example, or role model for others to follow if they choose, to when we being to evaluate the worth and dignity of an individual by how closely they match our own examples.  When this happens it turns a suggestion or an admonition into coercion and manipulation.

 As I continued reading the book and had a great desire to attain humility, I found it frustrating that during most of my reading I found myself comparing the different signposts toward others, rather than using it as a personal reflection upon myself.  When I did catch myself doing this, I repented (which was quite a bit) and asked God to humble me during this experience. Well, He did! 

I was faced in a very humbling experience with someone I deeply cared about. I was tested to use the several tools to attain humility as well as to trust solely on God through the adversity I created.  I also believe God was trying to get me to take a look at my shortcomings, focus on myself and leave others to Him and stop playing God!  There is so much work to do, in attaining humility but do believe it’s possible.

We must CHOOSE to be humble.  In my own choice to become humble I will grow closer to God and it will directly impact my relationships with others. I have fallen short of being humble and often displayed counterfeit humility in my life, which is best described by John Bevere as "knowing how to use politically correct words in order to “appear” humble, yet there is no lowliness in heart or mind.” For me, it was not until after the fact that I realized my intention to be humble truly was not with the correct mind or heart. Sometimes I would downplay my situations to appear humble by talking less of myself.

The biggest obstacle I encounter in my walk with humility is comparison.  I need to learn to think soberly of myself. Going forward, I intend to approach this similar to my prayer habits. I had to practice to pray, all day to Christ.  I set an alarm every hour to pray.  Equally, I have to practice humility all day, in everything I do, just as I did with prayer.  Because I’ve practiced prayer, I find myself speaking to God all day long.  
 
A few weeks ago, I was faced with a situation which my pride took precedence over humility.  I chose my needs over the needs of someone who desperately needed comfort during a time of loss. Because I allowed anger, fear, insecurity and pride to consume me it resulted in that person saying some very hurtful things to me.  If I had chosen the path of love, kindness, and compassion and humility during their time of need, rather than worry about what I was feeling, the few days I went without speaking to them, thinking our relationship wasn't salvageable and feeling heartbroken, could have possibly gone in a different direction.

Although, I do believe this was a test from God. A test of trust and a test of humility. That night, I prayed, sought God’s forgiveness, and the forgiveness from other person involved.  I forgave the hurtful things that were said because after what had transpired, I was able to understand what they were possibly going through.  During those few days, I continued to pray for humility, remove any hindering hurt feelings, have compassion, and understand the person's choice to remain distant.  A few nights later, we met and we were both able to make amends to one another, in person.  We were able to share our hurts and share how we both trusted God to direct us during this time.  Our relationship seems to be stronger as we keep God as our focus and move toward God's plan for us, not what we think is good for us.

I guess the statement, “Be careful what you ask for,” is said for a reason.  I did ask God to renew my mind and provide me humility each time I read this book because of how I continuously compared the book toward others. God answered; perhaps not in the manner I would've chosen, but I am thankful for how He placed me in a situation to where I was able to see how prideful I've been and was able to appreciate and be glad for what happened.  Today I feel closer to God, because during the days of adversity I depended and trusted solely on him, but also because I was able to use the tools in this book.  Because of Him, He was able to walk me through the reconciliation process with myself and the other person involved.  I am blessed and thankful that Jesus is full of love, forgiveness and grace. ♥

♥ Surrender....again

When you pause to stop and listen to yourself what do you hear in the quiet of your mind?

When life happens, as much as I'd like to feel peace and hear the Word of God, at times I can't turn off the echos of judgment toward others, comparison, self-pity, negativity and words that tell me I'm unworthy. 

What now?

I have a two choices - Believe the lies I'm telling myself, or believe that God loves me and that I am worthy of His love.  He is all that matters.  Not how others love me, or how I allow others to make me feel because the reality is, one day they will hurt and disappoint me.

What now?

Stop.Restart.Pray. Repent. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive. Clothe myself in humility. Arm myself with the Word of God.

 Focus on Him and how He will fill my life up with His Love, Grace, and Purpose! 

Just because I've overcome one obstacle, doesn't mean that I won't be faced with another soon thereafter. My purpose isn't happiness. It's to serve Him by loving others as He would love them.

Refusing to allow my emotions to control my behavior can be a great challenge, especially when I begin the cycle of isolation, distancing and negative talk because it then transpires into something much worse.

What now?

What do I do when I find myself beginning to feel beaten? Angry? Confused? Anxious? Unworthy?

I begin by reaching out to others; those in my circle who will remind me of the amazing love God has for me. That reminder helps me make the choice to behave positively, and to climb out of the rabbit hole of darkness.
 
What now?

Just as we practice bad habits, so we must also practice good ones. REPEAT AGAIN:

Stop.Restart.Pray. Repent. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive. Clothe myself in humility. Arm myself with the Word of God.

 Focus on Him and how He will fill my life up with His Love, Grace, and Purpose! 

And again, I make the choice to surrender for the 50th time during my day. I remind myself that I must trust God; trust that he has my life mapped out perfectly, even when it feels uncertain and overwhelming.  I may lose people along the way, but God has a purpose for them as well, and their purpose may be better served in another life, not necessarily mine. I have to learn to step aside and let God do his work and that means giving up the "idea" of control that I have in my head.

When I stop fighting, trying to control my environment, my circumstances, my path  - I find peace.

So again, I MUST surrender to His way, to His plan, to His purpose.♥

Thank you Jesus, for accepting me, loving me, even with all my flaws... 

My Road to Recovery Leads to My Testimony ♥

my dark days ended when I chose to surrender and follow the cross to the light ♥

October 3rd, 2012, was the day I recommitted my life to Christ. It was the day I choose the road to recovery and to press forward regardless of my circumstances. It was a warm evening as I ran the neighborhood streets, listening to my favorite praise songs when tears began to roll down my cheeks.  I was filled with heaviness when I said aloud, "Okay, God I surrender to you. Tell me what you want me to do.  Speak to me and I will obey." After speaking those words, that heaviness turned into peace.

A month earlier I committed to a 12-Step Life Recovery Program with a friend. Little did I know that I would be recovering from 39 years of past hurts. 

I accepted Christ in my life when I was in 5th grade.  From that time, until about age 16 I had what I would call, seasons of deep and intense closeness with God. In those seasons, I involved myself in Christian relationships and was heavily engaged in my church youth group.  I was baptized as a freshman in high school, alongside my mother and brother.  I attended several mission trips with our high school group which included a memorable trip to Mexico.  On that trip, in addition to sharing the Word of God, our youth group built a Sunday school classroom for the small village we were visiting.   

Nevertheless, during those years I was challenged with the evils of the world, and was faced with several hardships and considerable losses. I had been trying to cope with the divorce of my parents; experienced my first death (my uncle); was sexually abused by a family member and his friend; was faced with the sudden death of my father shortly after I turned 14; encountered my first sexual experience and then a month was dumped by that boyfriend; experiencing my first heartbreak.  This resulted in a suicide attempt through an overdose of pills. I stole my brothers car, but also was caught doing so by my mother. The outcome of that incident turned into a physical altercation between her and I. That day I moved out and went to live with a high school friend for about a month. My boyfriend (the father of my two sons) was caught jumping out of my bedroom window one night; the following day I left home with him for a week. During those years, I experimented with drugs and alcohol which lead to many more bad decisions (fights with girls, lying, sneaking around, poor grades, and a lot of emotional damage.)  It's apparent how much I hurt those closest to me, but even more so, I hurt myself to the point that the repercussions of  my choices effected me some 20 years later.  

At 17, I became pregnant, having my first son when I was a senior in high school.  I had my second son at 21 and my daughter at 24.  After several failed relationships, the last two being the father of my two sons, and the father of my daughter, I pretty much gave up on love even though that is what I desired most. 

I continued to drink and use drugs which led to a painful promiscuous lifestyle; one filled with pseudo love, emptiness and sadness.  It was a lifestyle I wouldn't wish upon anyone, one that I am not proud of, but I own it and feel it's necessary to share with others because I see so many young girls and women going down that same path seeking love in this way.  It is not the answer.

Sex does not equate to Love.  Love comes from being fulfilled through God.

I never understood this until just recently when I grasped that, only through Jesus Christ can I experience unconditional and authentic love.  This is through the ultimate sacrifice God gave to us.  He gave his Son, Jesus Christ to us, to die on the cross for all of our sins so that we can restore our relationship with him. Because of this, He promises those who believe in him and receive him, eternal life and his unconditional love. Because we are human, and live in a fallen world, no single person can complete what we need to be whole; only through our Lord Jesus Christ can we receive that.

 Being a believer in Christ, doesn't exempt me from the evils, hardships, failures, losses or temptations of this earth. What is does promise is a life full of Love, Grace, Hope, Forgiveness, and Eternal Life.  

I believe that each circumstance in my life has been perfectly designed by God's hand. Often when things go wrong in life, we complain how unfair life is or question what type of God could allow such unpleasant events to occur in our lives. I find it ironic how frequently we blame God when bad things occur in life yet, often we often fail to give him praise when good things happen. God has a plan for your current circumstances and the world may do things to you with the intent of evil, but God will always find a way to use it to bring about good.

Today, when I question or have a hard time understanding the purpose of what is happening in my life, I try to approach it in a new manner.  Instead of asking, "Why Me?" I ask, "What can I learn from this and what is God's agenda in this specific experience?"  By doing so, the unbearable becomes bearable.

It's pretty clear that even though I accepted Christ at a young age, most of my life, I didn't live according to how Christians would be expected to.  I was neither an example to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ or to those who didn't believe in Christ. Throghout my twenties and thirties, I lived a very sinful life, full of lies, self-deception, alcohol consumption, drug use, sexual promiscuity, pride and envy.  I was extremely self-centered.  I put a smile on each day, but deep down inside I was drowning in sadness.  Don't get me wrong, my whole life wasn't miserable, but it was filled with a lot of confusion, poor choices and dissatisfaction, when really all I longed for, all any of us long for is to be loved.  Unfortunately, I did whatever I could to attain it, even at the expense of my children, family, friends, and my relationship with Christ.

In reading the book by Chip Ingram, titled, "Sex, Love and Lasting Relationships"  he describes two prescriptions for love.  The first is the "Hollywood Formula" and the second is "God's Prescription."  All of my relationships have been that of the "Hollywood Formula."  To be completely honest, following God's prescription is far less painful and is how we should strive to love another human being. And in doing so, you grow closer to God and allow him to work in and through you. As this book is written in the context of relationships between men and women, I've found that I can relate a lot of it's content to all my relationships. 

 
My walk back to Christ has been in the works for some time.  Almost 3 years ago, God removed me from an extremely toxic and co-dependent relationship. Part of my 12 Step Life Recovery Program is healing from this relationship, along with my other past hurts.  The choice's I've made over the last decade and earlier in life, have caused more heartache than happiness which have created long-term emotional damage that has been very difficult to overcome.  
 
Other than my inability to trust (mainly men), my two biggest obstacles in this journey to Life Recovery have been the struggles I encounter with allowing myself to feel worthy and loved.  I find that funny since love is what I desire so deeply.

Reflecting on my life before recommitting my life to Christ it's a good reminder of what it's like to do life on your own, apart from Him. It's definielty not a life I'd like to relive. Thinking back, here is the best descriptive illustration I can give:

I'm aimlessly walking in a desert, looking around in every direction but never finding a clear path to take. The endless space I was surrounded by represents the emptiness in my life.  Always feeling a constant sense of being overwhelmed, as if I was drowning in my emotions and feelings; defeated without the strength to endure any more that life had to offer, like a ship at sea without a compass, I was lost without a clear direction of which way to go.  I found that I would do things, but not have a purpose in why I did them. I gave the false appearance that life was great as each morning I put on my smile and forced myself to function like a robot, but internally I was screaming for the falseness to end. 

In the last year, before God intervened in my life, I had became so depressed I often had thoughts of suicide.  Each night I would sit outside in my car and drink just enough to numb the pain I was feeling.  I convinced myself that I needed to do this, just so that I could deal with whatever and whoever awaited for me inside my home. When I hit rock bottom, consumed with self-pity, I had no where left to look but UP. I am blessed to have a Savior full of grace who heard my cry for help. A God who rescues. 

As I will soon begin Step 6 in my recovery, I accept there will be challenges that will test my faith, but I also know that the path I am taking is lit by the Eternal Light of Jesus Christ. Through the many additional resources God has placed before me, (The books, "The Purpose Driven Life", "Humility", "Spiritual Simplicity") along with the people in my life who will keep me accountable, and the Body of Christ I'm connected to,  I'm more than excited to do God's work.  Obedience is no longer an option for me anymore, it is the way I desire to live life.  

In the book, "The Purpose Drive Life" is states, "God teaches you real joy in the midst of sorrow, when we turn to him."  This quote affirms how I can find joy in each moment in my life and how  that each moment is full of something substantial. It's molded me with the characteristics of who I am today. My misfortunes will allow me to be of service to others who may struggle in the same way as I have.  God may use me to give others hope, and in return I hope to give others the opportunity to know God.

I still find myself battling feelings of mistrust, unworthiness and feeling unlovable.  This is because we live in a fallen world, but through God's grace, love, wisdom, patience, strength and forgiveness, I trust and have faith I will endure whatever is placed in my path.
 
I would like to end my testimony with a recent experience I encountered a couple months ago.  It was a clearly defined message from God.  He wants nothing but the best for each of us.  This story was without a doubt, a turning point of my complete surrender to Him. 

~ It was a Saturday morning and I was sitting at Starbucks, finishing Step 4 - "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." This was probably my hardest step to date, and I procrastinated completing it because it brought up a lot of skeletons and really forced me to take a good look at my life, and be completely honest with myself.  And even though, back in October I surrendered and recommitted my life to Christ, it didn't mean I was absolved of all the temptations of the world. Growth and change is difficult.  

The two and a half year relationship I was in, followed the prescription of the "Hollywood Formula" and I struggled tremendously in it. The biggest battle I found myself with was the living situation between the two of us.  He would sleep over about 3-4 times a week.  Each time he did, I would feel extreme guilt and this was creating mood swings and resentments toward him.  Eventually, I would find reasons to become angry and annoyed. I'm not sure when it occurred but eventually I realized my living situation was hindering my growth in Christ.  I was living a hypocritical lifestyle and if I was to become truly and faithfully obedient to God as I promised, I needed to end the living arrangement I was in.  

As I sat there, surrounded by strangers, tears began to fill my eyes and my heart felt broken. I text my 12 Step partner with the question, "Is it wrong to live together, share the same bed, even though we've made the decision not to have sex with one another?"  Before she could even reply to my text, I came upon the below passage in my workbook as the end of Step 4:

In Psalm 119:29, the writer pleads with God: “Keep me from lying to myself.”  If we never stop to observe and take note of our patterns from the past, and our defective and deficient ways of coping with the present, we cosign ourselves by default to another day of self-deception.  The inventory, when complied with honesty and diligence, is the beginning of facing the truth about our needs to grow in character and maturity.

I quickly turned my bible to the passage and continued reading the verse ~

Psalm 119:25-40

Daleth

²⁵ I lie in the dust;
    revive me by your word.
²⁶ I told you my plans, and you answered.
    Now teach me your decrees.
²⁷ Help me understand the meaning of your commandments,
    and I will meditate on your wonderful deeds.
²⁸ I weep with sorrow;
    encourage me by your word.
²⁹ Keep me from lying to myself;
    give me the privilege of knowing your instructions.
³⁰ I have chosen to be faithful;
    I have determined to live by your regulations.
³¹ I cling to your laws.
    Lord, don’t let me be put to shame!
³² I will pursue your commands,
    for you expand my understanding.

He

³³ Teach me your decrees, O Lord;
    I will keep them to the end.
³⁴ Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions;
    I will put them into practice with all my heart.
³⁵ Make me walk along the path of your commands,
    for that is where my happiness is found.
³⁶ Give me an eagerness for your laws
    rather than a love for money!
³⁷ Turn my eyes from worthless things,
    and give me life through your word.
³⁸ Reassure me of your promise,
    made to those who fear you.
³⁹ Help me abandon my shameful ways;
    for your regulations are good.
⁴⁰ I long to obey your commandments!
    Renew my life with your goodness.

At the same time,  I also had been "googling" questions like, "Is it wrong to live together before you are married according to God, even if you are not having sex." 

Immediately after reading the above verse, I came across the following site by RayFowler.org.  His message below was undeniably the Word of God, in conjunction with the Psalm verse I had just read.  His article read:

This is the third post in a series on living together before marriage. The first post presented statistics which demonstrate a high correlation between living together before marriage and undesirable outcomes. The second post presented various Scriptures which prohibit living together before marriage.
Many of the Bible verses in the second post assumed that couples who live together are also sexually involved. That is usually a fair assumption, but what about those rarer cases where a couple lives together but is not sexually active? Is it okay for a couple to live together if they don’t have sex? For example, how about the couple that moves in together for financial reasons but chooses to abstain from sex until marriage?
Well, I would applaud the decision to abstain sexually until marriage, but there are still good reasons not to live together before marriage. Let me share with you three.

1. The first has to do with temptation. Let’s face it: living together, sharing a house, or sharing a bed is not the best way to fight temptation. If you are truly serious about saving sex for marriage, the last thing you should do is move in with the person whom you love and to whom you are sexually attracted. When you live together before marriage, you open yourself up for temptation.
2. Secondly there is the matter of your testimony. The Bible says we should avoid even the appearance of evil. (Ephesians 5:3; 1 Thessalonians 5:22) How does your decision to live together affect those around you? What kind of an example does it set for younger people who are watching? How will people view your relationship who do not know about your commitment to abstain sexually? Our testimony affects how people view Christ and the church. Many have rejected Christianity because they do not see people living it out. Living together presents a poor testimony for Christ and his church.
3. And thirdly there is the matter of trivialization. Living together trivializes marriage by taking away from the uniqueness of marriage. Living together pretends to be marriage, but it is not the same thing. It is really a mockery of marriage and therefore dishonors marriage. This goes against Hebrews 13:4 which says: “Let marriage be honored by all.” I think it’s sad when a couple who lives together and finally gets married says, “It’s not that different.” They have lost out on part of the joy and uniqueness of the marriage relationship which God intended for them.

After reading these posts, someone might ask, "What if we already lived together before marriage?"  Is it too late for us? Is there anything we can do to make it right?” That will be the subject of the next and final post in the series.

The day I came across these verses, read this article and completed Step 4 was when I knew I would not walk this journey alone.  God would be with me - ALWAYS. This was a true testament of God's power and how He speaks to us when we cry out for clarity and wisdom. 

These are what I call "God's Little Miracles." If I allow Him , He will direct me in the path He has chosen for me He will provide the "authentic" love I look for in my partner, but I must commit to do his work and take daily steps of faith.

Each day I begin my day with surrendering to God because I will struggle with issues of insecurity, pride, fear, co-dependency, and many more, but with God as the focal point in my life, with my desire to become like Christ and allowing the Holy Spirit to fill me with the goodness of all of God's gifts and blessings, I stand firm in my willingness to serve Him, according to His will, not mine.  My journey in this life, prepares me for my eternal life in His Kingdom. 

What about you?  Do you believe that no matter what is placed in your path, with Jesus Christ in your life you will never be alone?  He loves you no matter what your past looks like, it does not define you. If you want a life filled with unconditional love, grace, forgiveness and the blessings God has in store for you, all you have to do is believe it and receive it.  If you want this then say this prayer:

"Dear Jesus, I am a sinner.  Please forgive me for all I have done.  I ask that you come into my life and help me live according to your ways.  Lord, because of your grace, and the faith I have in who you are and what you did for me, I ask that this day forward you guide me to live according to your truth. I pray this in your name, Amen." 

My Road to Recovery Leads to My Testimony ♥  Tyza