Stuck in Neutral

Have you ever felt that just when you thought your journey had finally arrived at an easy smooth path, you suddenly are hit with something that interrupts that comfy feeling?  Maybe what really happened is that you were on that smooth and easy path for so long you actually were stuck in neutral, or worse have fallen asleep at the wheel!

I think this happens in my life.  I think sometimes I get stuck in neutral and possibly fall asleep at the wheel. When this happens, the only way I snap out of my stagnate mood is when I'm challenged and tested through circumstances. The result?  It forces me to take action because the pain, doubt, frustration and hopelessness that begins to surround me suffocate the life out of me. When I feel this way the only one person who can truly save me is ~ Christ ♥  While I was cruising in life, falling asleep at the wheel, He never left me.  I'm the one who always wanders into La-La land, falls asleep and gets stuck in neutral when I begin to think I can do life on my own.

We live in a world that is so self absorbed it can become toxic and addictive.  When this occurs, it become all about Me - Me - Me. I can do it! I want it my way! What about me?  Understandably, as we face hardships, there are times worthy of the need to have focus upon ourselves but, if we are not careful we can remain stuck there. Stuck in neutral, sleeping at the wheel, or even worse, try to put our gear in reverse! 

My past is a place where we I can get stuck and also a place where I can easily keep looking back.  Old unhealthy habits, patterns and behaviors are familiar and comfortable.  When this happens, we lie to ourselves by focusing only on the temporary good and pleasures of our old nature.  We fail to remember what pain, anger, sadness the old ways brought into our lives.

Reminding myself that God will not give me more than I can handle gives me hope that regardless of what I'm experiencing in my life today and the circumstances that are placed around me, it will never be too much that God won't make good on his promise to get me through it. 

My mind and my body may grow weak,
    but God is my strength; he is all I ever need. ~ Psalm 73:26

My week has been filled with words of discouragement, a testing of my heart and my faith in Christ as I surrender myself to Him.  

The words we speak to others can have long term and damaging effects.  Learning what it really means to genuinely love includes protecting others. Protecting others sometimes means we have to think about the effects of how and what we say may impact those around us.  It means sharing the truth in love. If this involves our need to share our own personal hurts, we need to really think about how sharing may impact both parties.  Greg Laurie has a great tool for evaluating if what we say.  He calls it the THINK method. 

T - Is it true? (Is it accurate information?)

H - Is it helpful? (Will sharing this information be helpful to the other person?)

I - Is it Inspiring?

N - Is it necessary? (Do we really need to share this information?)

K - Is it Kind?

Often, we speak without thinking about the effect it may have on the other party.  Perhaps we feel the need to share to make ourselves feel better and it may, but it should not be at the cost of hurting another.  Perhaps there is a deeper issue at hand which needs to be addressed, especially if it continues to arise. 

In my opinion, I do not believe all things shared can be helpful.  In working my 12 Step and making amends, there were some issues that would have caused greater harm to the other party than benefiting them if I had made my amends in person.  As much as it would have felt good for me to confront them, I also had to think about the effects it would have had on them.  It then became a heart issue for me.  I had to look at my true motive.  And when I was genuinely able to answer that question, I knew that the proper way to resolve this issue was directly with God, not the other person.

In Luke 6:21 is says, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be."  

This scripture is a good verse in gauging what you value in life.  Is it yourself?  Money? Health and Fitness? Relationships? Status? Education? Work? Material things? Social Media?

Over the weekend, my home was burglarized.  The thieves mostly took jewelry.  In addition to the jewelry being taken, the last few items that remained of my late father were also stolen.  The turn of events allowed me to look at why I held onto these last possessions with such a tight grip. I didn't even realize how much I did until I had time to reflect on it.  Although I have released from my heart the awful behavior and actions of my father, and have forgiven him, it become clearly apparent that I need to be honest and forgive the person who has made me aware of his actions in the first place.  Additionally, there has to be boundaries set of what we will and will not discuss about my father. My need to release this pain and set up boundaries were made perfectly clear by God this weekend. God was speaking to me, telling me to let go of all those treasures, truly forgive my offender in my heart and place my eyes upon the one who can heal and restore - STOP pretending I've healed and really allow myself to let it go.  I need to take my car out of neutral and put it in drive so God can take me on a journey filled with love, forgiveness, healing, hope, faith and joy!

As I surrender to Him completely (AGAIN) and give Him control of my entire being, only then will I find joy in everything, just as Paul found joy in many of the circumstances he encountered, good and bad.  

 Letting go doesn't mean we forget, it means we give it to God.  We no longer have to carry the burden of our hurt and pain.  We leave it at the cross at the feet of Jesus.  We no longer CHOOSE to remain stuck in neutral.  We get out of the drivers seat and allow God to drive us to our next destination.  

I came across a very intersting article about making peace with your past.  God has been slowly revealing where I need to heal in many parts of my life, in His timing, not giving me more than I can handle.  A quote in that article that stuck in my head and made a lot of sense:

 Just like the rear view mirror in your car, looking at the past gives us perspective, but if you’re staring at it all the time, you’re going to cause a wreck.

I'm tired of wrecking my car.  It's more exhausting trying to fix it than it is to just sit back and let God take control and map my ride. So I'm letting go.  I have a long way to go.  I have a lot of healing to do and it starts with getting honest with God.  

This morning as I listened to Living on the Edge, Pastor Chip Ingram said something along the lines of, "As God gets bigger, your problems get smaller."  It reminded me that no burden I carry is too big for my God. As I continue to have FAITH in Him and surrender, He will take upon my burdens. He will provide me comfort and peace. He will protect and love me because He is God who keeps His promises. In Him, I will find my joy, in each and every circumstance, even the ones that are unfavorable because as I give Him control of my health, my family, my relationships, my job, my finances, My LIFE.....He grows BIGGER.  

 

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

God can restore what we destroy ~

As we try to control our environment, circumstances, relationships, and ourselves we interfere with the God's will for us.  God's sets our path.  It's our job to listen to what he has to say, and display obedience through following what he lays out for us regardless of how it makes us feel, which at times can be discomfort. When we choose to do things according to our will and become our own God, the results can be unpleasant. God can restore what we destroy.

How often do we think we have control over our lives? How many times have you said, "But if I do this, maybe it will result in that?"  "If I just hold onto my will a little longer, if it doesn't work, then I will listen to God?"  I hate to tell you, it doesn't work that way.  You can't bargain with God.  We can't pick and choose when and what parts we want to obey. As a good friend wrote in a school paper recently, we can't use him like a vending machine. 

Being obedient has been a long hard lesson to learn, and today I still struggle with it, honestly, I always will. Trying to control my own life has resulted in heartache and loss. First of all, I can't control anything or anyone. I can't change anyone and to think I have the power to do so, results in prideful thinking and behavior. I can only control my choices to do or not to do, I control my will.  

Often God calls, speaks, opens and closes doors and it's by my choice, my free will that I either submit to him or choose my way.  When I choose God,  I find peace and contentment in my circumstances, good or bad.  When I choose mine, I may receive temporary gratification, but typically it doesn't last for long. 

Are there times I choose God's will kicking and screaming?  Absolutely.

In the last two months, I endured heartache of a loss of a loved one.  My loss was not a physical loss, meaning a death, but the loss of an old nature and as well as the loss of giving up control of my circumstances.  As the old ways died (thoughts and behaviors) I grieved. Once we accept the illusion that we never had control in the first place, it becomes more bearable to accept. Once I gave up and surrendered to God again, I found peace.  And even though this person and I grew apart we actually were being drawn together without even knowing it.   

For about a month, there wasn't any face to face contact, but only a couple short e-mail exchanges.  During this time of healing, I was able to release the past hurts, and forgive myself and them. I was able to give it all over to God and as difficult the time apart was, God filled me up with His love which is the only love that will truly sustain me.  Being filled with God's love is the only real way I can offer myself to others, and give them what God has freely given me.

I thank God for loving me, healing me, offering me grace and mercy each day of my life.  Obedience to Him is what has gotten me to where I am today.  I choose to worship Him with my whole heart. My purpose is to live for God and bring him glory.  Sharing my experiences I feel I can share God's awesome love and power. A life without God is no life at all.

Today is Matthew's and my three year anniversary.  Below is what I wrote to him this morning. Our relationship has flourished.  In our obedience, patience, trust, faith and hope in God's will for our lives, we are joined together, ready to commit to Him and serve His purpose for His glory.

May 23, 2013 - Happy Anniversary Matthew ♥

 

Trials force us to put our faith in something bigger than ourselves or another person. 
Our FAITH is in God.

Obstacles motivate us to dig deep for strength in something stronger than ourselves or another person.
Our STRENGTH is in God.

Losses invoke us to reach and cry out toward something more comforting than ourselves or another person.
We REACH AND CRY OUT to God.

Storms inspire hope as we clutch onto something greater than ourselves or another person.
Our HOPE is in God.

The only way to do life together is with God as our Rock; God first and above all else.

As we build a relationship on a foundation made of rock (God), it will withstand the trials, obstacles, losses and storms of life. We will find peace in His presence.

As we get knocked around, beat up, tossed about and flooded with adversities, although we feel depleted and exhausted, we remain standing, clinging to the one who will deliver us with his faithful promise to never abandon us but pull us into his loving arms - Our RESCUER is God. 

Our walk together is only possible through God’s will.  As we surrender to His will and build our relationship upon Him we frame a foundation that's strong and stable in Him.  Our faith, hope and love remains in Christ's promises and presence. Through our obedience we will be abundantly supplied with endurance to face what is placed before us. A life and relationship built on the Word of God withstands the storms and challenges of life. 

For Jesus teaches that we must be wise and build our lives on a solid foundation.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27

 

Our life together began three years ago……

We've had amazing times filled with laughter and new experiences. But far too often, we turned a blind eye to the trials and storms we encountered, masking them with empty promises and an illusion of happiness. We deceived ourselves thinking we were growing closer to one other but in reality we were growing further apart, resulting in a painful separation from each another. We tried to control what was out of our control but once we handed ourselves over to Him; His will and His way, we were able to see things with a new set of eyes; with clarity. 

It’s only by the Hand of God, that He has reconciled us, and today we point each other upwardly toward Christ; handing one another over into His care and trusting Him to do His will in our lives. 

Hand in hand, side by side, we walk the same path; God leading, you and me following.

Today we celebrate three years together.  Three years of change. The most rewarding part of these years is that it lead us back to Christ. I find peace and joy in my heart, anticipating the blessings that lie before us; the adversity that will strengthen us; and the grace, love and mercy we will receive through Jesus Christ.  I am overjoyed for this new beginning as we continue to seek God's truth, point each other toward Christ and build a relationship with Him as the foundation in our lives – OUR ROCK♥ 

I am the D-A-S-H

Growth is painful.  Letting go of the familiar is uncomfortable.  Being vulnerable is risky.  Love Sustains.  Forgiveness Heals. Faith Creates Hope.

And all of these are what creates the "D-A-S-H" in my life. 

My birth was not determined by my parents.  I was not an accident.  Have you ever wondered why we were born on the day we were?  Why weren't we a day earlier, a week later?  And what is more amazing is that regardless of my choices (my dash), I have no control over the date of my death. I sometimes may think I am this all mighty powerful being that controls my environment, circumstances, and future but realistically, it's not up to me. Even the time I chose to make an attempt on my life, God intervened and said, "Not Yet, I'm not finished with you."

If I think I have control, I am fooling myself.  Sure, my choices may result in the way some things turn out, but they don't turn out that way because of me. They are purposed in my life to create character.  When I think of that, sometimes I get angry and frustrated telling myself, "Then what's the point?  Why even try to be a good, kind, and loving person if regardless of what I do, I still may end up miserable? What's the point of being a person full of integrity if it makes no difference to others? What is the point of moving out of my comfort zone? Why allow myself to open up to others? Why have faith or hope in anything if I'm only going to be disappointed?"

WOW - As I just typed all that down, I could hear one thing.  Can you?  It screamed -  ME! ME! ME!

So, WHY? Because all those things do matter.  They matter to the only one whose opinion really counts. Not mine. Not those who we love most. Not those who we want to impress. No!

They matter to the one who was so loving, so selfless, so humble, so patient, so faithful, so gentle, so kind that he gave up His life, so that we could live.  Do you know anyone who would do that?  I'm sure there are people who have said, "I would do anything for you," but if that were the case wouldn't we be living in a perfect world without deceit, lies, anger, jealousy, insecurities, pride, and self destructive behavior? News Flash - We clearly do not.

So then what's the point?  The point is I want to be that person. I want my "D-A-S-H" in this life to be full of love, full of selflessness, full of humility, patience and kindness, and so full of joy that when I look in the mirror the reflection I see is Jesus. I will never do it perfect, but because of His grace He is the only one who will ever accept me unconditionally.  He will never condemn me, He will never belittle me, He will never tell me I'm worthless, He will never leave me.  He will only love me ♥.  Today until the day I die is my dash, and I'm responsible for that.

I'll leave you with this, something I heard in a sermon from Greg Laurie and the inspiration for this blog, "God is responsible for the beginning and end of my life. I'm responsible for the dash."

Living for The Day ~ Even through My Brokenness ♥

 

In my brokenness, I am blessed to have My God close to my heart.  For the bible says in Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." 

I choose to seek His path and at times there is pain and difficulties that goes along with being obedient to Him. I'm beginning to view it as growing pains, like when we heal from a broken bone or another type of bodily injury.  For that part of our body to become strong again, we have to experience the pain of growth and healing. I believe in time my pain will serve a purpose.  Not a purpose designed for me but for Christ.


Last weekend my church concluded a two part monologue series about judgement day called, "The Bema" which is a fictional dramatic production inspired by the biblical principle in II Corinthians 5:10; "That we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due to him for the things done while in the body."  You can read more about The Bema at Bible. org - The Doctrine of Rewards: The Judgment Seat (Bema) of Christ.  This monologue shed light on the choice's I've been made in my lifetime.  But more so, the choice's that I'm making now.  The monologue concluded with these words in prayer, "Lord, this day forward, I vow to stop living for today, but to live for the day!"

My choices do matter, especially the way I choose to live my life which has been gifted to me.  The poor choices, those that go against God's commands will have consequences.  I can not blame anyone for my choices for I alone am responsible for each one of them, as I've made them on my own free will.

When I choose to make the right choices, the hard choices, the ones that go against what society views as acceptable, it may be very difficult, it may cause hurt and my heart may break in the process, but the end reward, the eternal reward far outweighs my temporary happiness, satisfaction or appeasement to others.

What I've come to understand is that so often we choose a temporary fix over our eternal blessings.  These temporary things and fixes will not have any substance in eternity; and those temporary things and fixes are just that, "temporary."  The satisfaction we attain only lasts for the moment, for a short time, and as time passes that feeling of satisfaction will fade like everything else that lacks substance.  This temporary way of life becomes and endless cycle of insanity.

My journey will continue until I am called home to my Creator, my Father, my God.  He is a loving one, even during times of hardship.  I've had to deal with tragic events in my life, several losses, a ton of hurt and many heartaches.  Today I see how each of those experiences are serving a purpose in my life. Things and quick fixes are temporary, many that have caused much of my pain. I must keep my focus on the eternal; and that is Christ.  My eyes are fixed on the long term, not what can make me feel satisfied for the moment.

I no longer choose a temporary life, but choose a life that an eternal one.  I no longer choose to live for today, I choose to live for "THE DAY." 

Character Flaws covered by Grace

Each person who exists today is flawed or one day will be. Unfortunately, our list becomes longer over the years.  This weekend I was reminded of some of  my flaws.  I will be honest, initially hearing someone point out those flaws can be very painful, especially when it's done in an attacking manner, without love. BUT - for the first time ever, I was okay with knowing that I am flawed and own those flaws. Why? How?
Because my flaws do not define who I am.  They are not who I am! 

 
My character flaws certainly do surface now and then and when they do I do a much better job today at recognizing and dealing with them.  Those flaws are covered by the grace of Jesus Christ.  He doesn't judge me as others may when I have feelings of insecurity, jealousy, anger, fear or whatever lenghty flaws that are on my list.  He knew that one day I would struggle with these flaws far before I knew they would even be a part of my life. He knew those flaws would cause me to sin.  And because he died on the cross for me, I am blessed to be given the opportunity to receive his grace, love and forgiveness.

With God, there are no coincidences.  I know he allows events in our life that we can handle and events that are timed in his perfect plan for our lives. About a week and a half prior to this weekend, I had just finished Step 6 of my Life Recovery Program which is, "We became entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character."  One of the exercises we had to do in this step was to list the defects we had previously came up with in steps 4 and 5.  Next, I had to look at those defects to see what they have done for me, and against me, reflect on my list, take time to grieve, feeling the loss of both the positive and negatives of each effect. After I was done, I ripped up the list and began a new transformation with giving them to God.  I've begun this transformation by sharing with others when I felt insecure, jealous, angry or fearful.  In that, I began living a life filled with truth leaving less room for falsity to reside.

I am far from perfect and I will never achieve perfection in this lifetime.  But I can do my best to speak the truth in love; be accountable when I fall short; make a genuine effort to transform my life so that I do not repeat poor habits and behaviors which lead to sin; and make a sincere and honest apology to the people I've wronged.  If they are people who are continuously a part of my life, changes in my behavior and actions will display the sincerity and honesty in that apology.

I am flawed.  I always will be. I accept it. It does not define who I am. And I find peace in knowing that my character flaws are covered by the grace of God♥