Little People have Loud Voices!

Who would ever want to admit that they lacked character, integrity, morals or values.

As a parent, would you ever want to admit this? And what if the person  who revealed this to you were your children?

I know I didn't want to admit my lack of parenting skills.  Yet for so many years, this was me and in the end my greatest teachers were little people in my life.

They taught me how damaging taking that extra drink of alcohol was as one of them would pick up the bottle at an early age.  They showed me how my  unhealthy relationships effected their relationships with others.  They opened my eyes to how lacking respect and love for myself, resulted in a lack of respect and love for themselves. They showed me how I spoke and responded toward them, when I saw how they responded and spoke to me or others.  They pleaded for me to love them and when I didn't they learned how to isolate. All along, I thought was loving them, but in reality I had hurt them.  

Sometimes the greatest teachers in our lives can be "our children."

As I began my journey and turning away from a life of unhealthiness, the results of my choices from my past came with some very big price tags.  My selfish ways of life, living for me and what benefited me, left long-term damaging issues that may never be resolved or may take a lifetime to repair.  My children endured unnecessary suffering at that time, but today I do have hope that it will be used for good.  It hurts my heart, I feel a lump in my throat and my eyes well with tears as I write this because I can feel the pain they must have gone through.

This morning I read something from Rick Warren: 

~ Hope isn’t the same as optimism. It isn’t the belief that something bad will turn out well. It’s the absolute confidence that every part of your life ultimately makes sense regardless of how it turns out this side of eternity ~

I have hope that through my selfishness, through the hurt and pain I've created toward others, that God had a miraculous plan for it. I have faith and hope that He has a plan for restoration not only in my life, but my children; and now is my time to work to restore those relationships.

What we do as parents impacts our children's lives do deeply.  Love them. Speak to them gently. Hug them. Praise them. Pick them up when they fall short. Do not condemn them. Teach them Integrity, Love, Values, Morals and Honesty.  

Of my three children, God has blessed me with a mini me. A miniature Tyza who has been unfortunate to experience a lot of my personal life hardships in her short 15 years.  She by far has been the most visually and vocally of the three to open my eyes to the pain I created because of my choices; and that is a sobering feeling.  Today I'm amending my past by the choices I make today.  I can't change what has transpired in the past, but I can be a woman of integrity today and for the rest of my life by choosing to live my life differently.  Thank you Boo Boo for the Love you give me each day, even during a time when I was difficult to love.  God blessed me with you on PURPOSE!

“We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” ~ Romans 8:28

♥ Surrender....again

When you pause to stop and listen to yourself what do you hear in the quiet of your mind?

When life happens, as much as I'd like to feel peace and hear the Word of God, at times I can't turn off the echos of judgment toward others, comparison, self-pity, negativity and words that tell me I'm unworthy. 

What now?

I have a two choices - Believe the lies I'm telling myself, or believe that God loves me and that I am worthy of His love.  He is all that matters.  Not how others love me, or how I allow others to make me feel because the reality is, one day they will hurt and disappoint me.

What now?

Stop.Restart.Pray. Repent. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive. Clothe myself in humility. Arm myself with the Word of God.

 Focus on Him and how He will fill my life up with His Love, Grace, and Purpose! 

Just because I've overcome one obstacle, doesn't mean that I won't be faced with another soon thereafter. My purpose isn't happiness. It's to serve Him by loving others as He would love them.

Refusing to allow my emotions to control my behavior can be a great challenge, especially when I begin the cycle of isolation, distancing and negative talk because it then transpires into something much worse.

What now?

What do I do when I find myself beginning to feel beaten? Angry? Confused? Anxious? Unworthy?

I begin by reaching out to others; those in my circle who will remind me of the amazing love God has for me. That reminder helps me make the choice to behave positively, and to climb out of the rabbit hole of darkness.
 
What now?

Just as we practice bad habits, so we must also practice good ones. REPEAT AGAIN:

Stop.Restart.Pray. Repent. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive. Clothe myself in humility. Arm myself with the Word of God.

 Focus on Him and how He will fill my life up with His Love, Grace, and Purpose! 

And again, I make the choice to surrender for the 50th time during my day. I remind myself that I must trust God; trust that he has my life mapped out perfectly, even when it feels uncertain and overwhelming.  I may lose people along the way, but God has a purpose for them as well, and their purpose may be better served in another life, not necessarily mine. I have to learn to step aside and let God do his work and that means giving up the "idea" of control that I have in my head.

When I stop fighting, trying to control my environment, my circumstances, my path  - I find peace.

So again, I MUST surrender to His way, to His plan, to His purpose.♥

Thank you Jesus, for accepting me, loving me, even with all my flaws...